#MicroblogMondays 4: Sometimes it just takes a song or two

Microblog_Mondays

Read here about MicroblogMondays.

TK has been having a hard time going to sleep without the lights on (he has a night light, but prefers to have the room lights on).  So I have been sitting with him until he falls asleep.  Last night, I could tell he was having a hard time and was getting ready to fight having the lights off.  Trying to head off a bedtime battle, I wracked my brain for a response. Somehow the idea of lullabies came to me and I told him how sometimes hearing a lullaby used to help him sleep. I had to sing quite a few, but as I did, I could see his body visibly relaxing, his mind letting go of the conscious world. I hadn’t sung him a lullaby since he was a baby. I guess it’s time to bring it back.

#MicroblogMondays 3: On a Tuesday

Microblog_Mondays

Now I remember one of the reasons why I haven’t been updating here.  It wasn’t the updating, it was the posting.  My internet connection was pretty awful when we first moved here.  It was slow and it would be unavailable at odd times.  We live in the largest, most populous city in the state but the street where we live just does not have any decent internet connection or mobile network.  After a couple of years of this, we had one horrible period where we were without internet connection for 2 weeks.  A tech came out, fiddled with some connections and since then the connection hasn’t been so wonky and the speed is decent (though still not great).  Now, it’s only when the season changes, that we get a few weeks of intermittent internet connection.  So, the season is changing here and my internet connection comes in and out.  Missed #microblogmondays for the week but decided to post something anyway to keep those blogging muscles from deteriorating.

#MicroblogMondays 2: Never enough time.

Microblog_Mondays

(Read more about MicroblogMondays here.)

So now that TK is in school full time, I thought that I would finally have the time to do all the things I need to do and want to do.  Like unpack all the boxes from our move…4 years ago. Or take some time to have lunch with some girlfriends.  But, I am beginning to realize that I am one of those people that no matter how much time I have, it will never be enough to do all the things I want to do.

Haven’t figured out yet if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

#MicroblogMondays 1: To say it’s been awhile

is kind of an understatement, right?

But I saw this post just now and figured, hey, why not?  Just write a few words and hit publish and see what happens.

So here are a few words.  

TK (The Kid) is 5, almost 6.  He started Kindergarten a couple of weeks ago.  I cried awful tears the night before his first day.  I didn’t want to release my baby to the world.  But the day of?  It felt exciting and freeing and there was not a single tear.  I was excited that he was beginning his own journey into the wider world. I was excited that he was excited to start kindergarten.  And I felt freed because, good gawd, 5 years of being a stay at home mom, with all it’s rewards, was also full of mind numbing drudgery.  It was so good to have some hours to myself and to have some uninterrupted thoughts.

Still running

Usually on the last day of the year, I reflect on the year past and find myself filled with some kind of emotion, good or bad.  This New Year’s Eve I find that I don’t want to dwell much on the things of this past year.  Maybe because I have spent a lot of this past month thinking about what could have been.  I had not calculated the possible due date from our last cycle.  But, the transfer was in March and the transfer that resulted in TK was in April, so…doing the math is not that hard.  And while there have been lots of holiday prep and events to keep me busy and my mind off of what might have been occurring this month had that last cycle worked, in the few quiet moments that I have had, I found myself thinking about my life in that parallel universe had things gone the way I hoped.

I don’t know if I have a point to any of this.  Just felt I wanted to close out this year somehow on this blog and check in and let you know that I am still working on putting more distance between me and that last cycle.

A heartfelt Happy New Year to you.  And however your year was in 2011, may 2012 bring you more of the good and less of the bad.

Good can come from sad

The phone rang and I looked at the number calling in.  It was a familiar number but not one I recognized right away.  I almost decided to let it go to voicemail but then thought better of it and picked it up.  It was a friend from grad school.

We had lost track of each other in the years after grad school but then found each other on F B.  I had been open about our IVF cycles with my updates there, about donor eggs and all.  She had seen them and emailed me about her struggles.  After that, until the phone call from her today, I hadn’t had any contact with her for well over a year.  The last time I saw her she had just been through a failed IVF cycle and about to embark on another cycle.  An email I sent her a couple months ago was met with no response.  I figured no news, in this case, meant no good news.

So, the phone call today was a happy surprise.  I could tell by her tone right away that she had good news to share.  And I was happy to hear it.  Even when she said she cycled in March, the same month we had our last IVF cycle.  My first thought, not spoken of course, was that we could have been pregnant together and expecting a baby at the same time.  Later, it occurred to me that in a parallel universe, my first thought would have been how I wished I could be her, happily looking forward to the anatomy scan to find out the sex of the baby.  A tiny difference in thought, yet it spoke volumes about the head space I was in.  My heart could have filled with jealousy and envy that my March cycle didn’t work.  Instead there was just a sadness for a lost opportunity of a shared pregnancy with a friend.

For the last couple of months, I had been working my way through clothes TK had outgrown and baby gear that won’t be used again, at least not by me.  I gave them away to a cousin who recently had twins, another cousin with a boy about a year younger than TK and my best friend, also with a son almost a year younger than TK.  It wasn’t as hard to part with these things as I thought it would be.  Maybe I could do it because all three of these women had some shared struggle with infertility.  Maybe because I gave myself permission to keep anything and everything I just couldn’t let go.  Maybe it was because all the particular items that I gave away to each particular woman just felt right.

I still have maternity clothes, nursing clothes and TK’s newborn items stored away.   The newborn things I probably would have been fine keeping until the day TK went away to college.  And beyond.  But there seemed to be no point in keeping the maternity and nursing clothes except to serve as painful reminders of what I had hoped for.  Yet, it would have been more painful to sell or even donate to strangers.  I racked my brain for a friend or acquaintance who might be of the right size to use the clothes and came up blank.   I decided to keep them stored away, hoping that a situation that felt right would present itself.

It dawned on me as I was talking with my friend today that she had the same body type as me.  Without thinking about it too much I asked if she was emotionally ready for maternity clothes.   As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew it’s what I wanted to do and hoped she would want them.  She told me she had been holding off buying maternity clothes because she had fears about the viability of the pregnancy.  But, the idea that she might finally have a take home baby was now sinking in.  I got her address and mentally made a note to myself to ask her whether she wanted to have my nursing clothes and TK’s newborn things when it seemed like she was ready to think about and plan for life after baby.

….

I am sitting here thinking about how right and how good it feels that the things from my pregnancy with TK and TK’s babyhood went to or are going to women who also struggled with infertility.  How I wasn’t exactly sure what and how to give up some things but decided to trust my feelings.  That as long as there was no strong doubts holding me back, I should just keep moving even though moving along this path also means shedding a lot of tears.

I didn’t get a chance to say this to my friend, but her phone call today helped me to remember, believe and trust that good things can happen despite choosing a path that also brings sadness.

You know how when you look back on life, you tend to remember the good things more than the bad?  I hope when I look back on this year what I will remember most is not the pain of losing the dream of having more children, but that losing that dream allowed me to share with others some of the things that were a part of creating and growing TK.

Run Forrest Run

I’ve started and abandoned too many posts to count since my last published post.  I would start writing about something that happened or a feeling that surfaced, but not be able to finish the post.  It’s like I have all these thoughts and feelings that go nowhere.  Even the good thoughts and feelings just go nowhere.   And even as I am writing now, I feel as if I can’t find the right words.

But, I want to blog about something.  I have a need to blog.

So, I will say that there have been a lot of good days when I feel fine with my decision and can see the bright spots in the life ahead.  But, there have also been days when I am just angry and upset that I had to make this decision to stop treatment and not pursue another child.  I had hoped that at this time I would be comparing my second pregnancy to my first, instead there are just days where I find myself comparing the feelings of sadness that I will only have one child versus the feelings of sadness when I was still trying for a child and didn’t have one.

It’s really no comparison, of course.  The sadness now is leaps and bounds better than the sadness before I had my son.   Still, it’s not what I had hoped things would be as the first half of 2011 comes to an end.

You know the part in the movie For rest G ump after his mother dies and after he proposes to Jenny but she says no and he just starts running and keeps running until he has put time and distance between himself and all that has happened?  I guess I feel a bit like that.  That I just need to keep moving and keep going and not dwell too much and not look at things too deeply until I’ve put enough time and distance between me and that last failed cycle.