Sulfamethoxazole/trimethoprim is EVIL

Short version: Antibiotics kicked my butt

I spent the last five days in bed. The first three of the five days things were so bad I couldn’t stay vertical for more than a second before I needed to dry heave or throw up. After things just got worse and worse, the OB decided it was better if I just stopped the antibiotics. I started feeling slightly better the next day, but still had to stay in bed all day. Then Sunday, I felt quite a bit better and was able to have bites of food every hour or so and walk around without wanting to puke my guts out and be a semi-normal person. Needless to say, I will NEVER EVER take this antibiotic (aka Bactrim DS) again.

When things were really bad and I wasn’t sure if I could keep any of my meds down, I contacted my clinic. They suggested I stop the aspirin, folic acid and prenatals if I couldn’t keep those down. I stopped the aspirin but stayed on the folic acid because I had read that the Bactrim may cause folic acid to be inefficiently absorbed. Plus, the folic acid pills aren’t that big anyway and really it was the prenatals and the prometrium that I was having the hardest time with. The clinic also suggested I take the estradiol vaginally instead of orally, which I did for a couple of days, but am now back to taking it orally (the green discharge was unsettling and they’re tiny pills anyway). The prenatals I ground up and put in some mashed potatoes with sour cream. I didn’t feel good stopping those since I was barely eating anything at all. And grinding them up may have destroyed some of the vitamins, but I figured it was better than nothing. Since I was also on endometrin (progesterone suppositories), I felt ok about cutting most of the prometrium out. The clinic said if I could take just one, that would be good, so I have been taking one in the middle of the night or early morning when I get up to pee and know that I’m going back to sleep. I have to take it without food anyway and the sleep masks any unpleasantness I feel from taking it.

I will be12 weeks on Wednesday which means I get to stop taking all my pills except my prenatal. I’m so happy I am just 2+ days away. I miss seeing TK, though. When I was going through antibiotic hell, I was feeling too miserable to have too many negative thoughts. But, now that I’m feeling better I find myself thinking and wondering if TK is ok and is still alive.

Say it with me, won’t you? VUPO, VUPO, VUPO.

Getting what you wish for

Short version: Excessive (or maybe it’s obsessive?) description of my first trimester symptoms and trying not to whine about it (although I probably don’t do a very good job). Urine test from OB appt shows bacteria infection which means more pills and more worrying about taking more pills.

Most of this post was written about three weeks ago, when I was about 8 weeks.

“The only way I’ll survive this is to believe that it’s real.”

That was the thought that occurred to me the other night as I laid in bed, wondering if the indigestion and nausea would subside long enough for me to fall asleep. It always does and I really haven’t had much trouble sleeping. In fact, sleep is the best part of my day physically and emotionally. But, let me back up a bit.

At the start, around the time of my betas, my appetite was good. I was hungry every few hours and devoured food. I felt a bit nauseous after eating, but it wasn’t too bad. In fact, I liked feeling that nausea. I felt thankful the IVF cycle had gotten me this far and thankful for the reassurances my body was giving me. Before the cycle, I had hoped and asked the universe to give me some symptoms should my IVF be successful and the universe obliged.

And then, the universe obliged some more. About a week or so later, I started feeling both nausea and indigestion after eating. Most of the time it was after dinner but in the beginning that was more or less bearable also. There was a week or so of this additional “reassurance” but the universe was not through granting me my wish. For the past two weeks it has been nothing but nausea all day and indigestion if I eat the smallest ounce of food. I googled to see if I could take Tums or something to help with the indigestion and while many, many women have taken it and OBs have ok’d it, this site says it’s best to avoid it in the first trimester. Being the worrywart that I am, I decided not to take it. Plus, I am really sick of taking pills. I talked to my clinic about this and they told me that as long as I am taking my prenatals TK should be fine and since I’m not vomiting, eating as much (or in my case, as little) as I can will be fine.

However, my emotional state is not so good. It is a struggle to figure out what I can and can’t eat each day since things change so fast. What worked well for me one day is totally disgusting the next. There is also the sour mouth I get after I eat anything at all. And with needing to eat a little bite, literally, every hour or so, I almost constantly have the sour taste in my mouth which makes eating that much harder. I am surprised (but relieved and grateful) that I haven’t thrown up yet. I try to get through the day, an hour at a time, but to deal with it day in and day out was wearing on me.

A few days ago, laying in bed, trying to sleep I realized that if I continued to doubt TK’s viability, I wouldn’t be able to cope with the nausea, indigestion and sour mouth any longer. I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown. Somehow, I realized that the only way I would be able to get through this was to believe that it would result in a live baby. A difficult thought to swallow (ha-ha), for an infertile of my nature. It’s hard to believe that my mental state is such that I don’t feel strong enough to handle several more weeks (oh please let it only be a few more weeks) of these symptoms yet I think I can handle believing in a live baby. Infertility has taken me to a lot of screwy mental spaces, and here is yet another.

About a week and a half after I wrote that I suddenly could eat some food and without the intense sour mouth afterwards. The sourness is still there, especially when I eat anything with sugar, but it’s not as strong as before and doesn’t last as long as before. For the last week and half or so, I have been at least able to eat something every few hours and on some days I even have minutes here and there where my digestive system feels normal. And since eating and the after effects of eating have been more bearable, I developed a habit of waking up around 3 or 4 am to eat something which also seems to be helping. This change also did wonders for my mental state.

Yesterday, I got a call from my OB’s office. I tested positive for general bacteria. I have to be on antibiotics again for seven days. So, I have to add two more pills to what I’m already taking now. And the pills are huge. And yucky tasting. And although this antibiotic is supposed to be safe during pregnancy, I still worry that it might harm TK since some animals studies show a slight elevation in birth defects. But, I really have no choice. Unlike last time with the rash, I know I have an infection and it needs to be treated.

I started the antibiotics yesterday and my nausea has been a lot worse today. Maybe it’s the antibiotics, maybe my body is going through another change. It was a tough day. I get to stop my meds next Wednesday when I am 12 weeks, but today it feels so far away. I also realized this week I got my dates confused. I thought I would have my next OB appt for the nuchal scan next Tuesday, but it turns out it is actually a week later.

Would I rather not be pregnant than go through what I am going through now? No. I’m just going to be more careful next time what I wish for.

If I drop my pants

and get into the stirrups shouldn’t I at least get an ultrasound?

{Short version: Had OB appointment but no u/s.)

Unfortunately, that’s not the way the OB world works. I met with the OB today and we learned about how the practice was run, what prenatal tests to expect, when to expect them, etc. but no peak at TK. We got our questions answered and the OB and the practice seemed nice enough. I am scheduled for an u/s for the nuchal scan in two weeks. I also have another OB appt with a different medical group scheduled for next week, but I had some weirdness with that so Mr. W and I are going to think about it for the next couple of days and see if we want to keep that appointment.

I will give more details later (had endless meetings after I got to work and I’m dead tired today so I’m going home soon), but I know some of you were waiting to hear what happened today and I wanted to post something even though there really isn’t much to tell.

The Graduate

Short version: Third and final u/s with RE. OB appointment next week.

I had my last appointment and u/s with my RE today. TK measures 24mm or 9w0d (I am 9w1d) and it has been the most amazing u/s so far. We could see arms and TK was moving. The heartbeat also looked “good” according to the RE. Most of the time during the u/s, things felt surreal. I couldn’t believe it was really our kid we were seeing.

The next TK-related appointment is with the OB next Wednesday.

In transition

One of the reasons my posts have been far and few between lately is that I’m trying to figure out how to blog about the things that are happening in a way that is sensitive to those who are still battling in the trenches. At the same time, I don’t see myself as being completely out of the trenches, yet I know my circumstances have changed. And I remember how hard it was sometimes to read the posts of bloggers who made it to where I am now even though I really wanted to keep following them to see how things turned out.

I always knew that if I could make it this far (and hopefully beyond) I would continue blogging. It’s completely for selfish reasons. The IF community has been so good to me with their encouragement, support and advice, I know it is something I will continue to want to draw upon. And, if things don’t continue to go well, I know I will need the IF community’s support. Also, by nature I like sharing my experiences in hopes that it may help others battling similar issues and who knows what issues will come up so it makes sense for me to continue to blog about whatever might be happening.

But, how to do that and be sensitive to the fact that maybe not everyone wants to read post after post about my symptoms or how far along I am or other TK-related things? I thought about starting a separate blog or setting up a separate page but honestly, I didn’t want to compartmentalize my life in that way even on a blog (I’m doing this for selfish reasons, after all). My thinking is that this is my blog and for the most part I will do things in a way that is good for me. But, I do appreciate everyone who visits here and want to avoid inadvertently hurting people if I can help it.

So, I think what I will start doing is put a brief description at the beginning of each post a la Bea of Infertile Fantasies. This way, if it seems like something you don’t really want to read, you can choose not to read it. I’ve also decided that I will not be posting pictures on the blog, but I may start a separate page for that.

Of course, you may decide not to stay with me at all or just check on me periodically (if it hasn’t happened already). I completely understand, of course, although I will be sad to see that happen.

A girl could get used to this

The u/s appt this morning again showed TK (the kid) and a heartbeat. I tried to use Thalia’s trick to see if it beat 4X while I counted for 2 seconds and it looked it was about that fast, maybe just a hair faster. We used the movie function on our digital camera to capture a video so I’m planning to look at it more closely when I have some time.

TK is now 13mm which is 7w3d. I am 7w6d today, but the growth is one week bigger than last week’s scan so I’m not going to fret too much about it (at least I’m going to try not to).

My next appointment with my RE is next Thursday, so over a week’s wait this time. I’ve also been told to look for an OB and get my first appointment set up.

We have some visitors this week, so I think my posting will be sparse again for most of the week.

Can’t think of a title

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts and reassurances about TK (the kid) measuring 3 days behind. I’m in a “wait and see” mode and surprisingly, it is getting me through the wait for the next u/s ok.

There are a number of posts swirling around in my head but I haven’t been able to get them out for various reasons. But, I just wanted to let people know I’m still here, still hanging on to VUPO and am a weekend and a day away from the next u/s (Tues).

A Good Day

I am finding it hard to believe we have made it this far. We saw a little one and it’s heartbeat. There was another sac, but it was less than half the size and it was empty. We couldn’t get a count for the heartbeat but the NP thought it looked fine.

I am 6w6d today, but the little one is measuring 6w3d (7mm). The NP seemed to think that was ok, too. (What do you think?)

I’ll try to write more later or tomorrow. Right now, I just need to let it all sink in a bit.

Twiddling thumbs

This last week hasn’t gone by too slowly, but I sure wouldn’t mind if it went just a little faster. Mr. W and I have been trying to come up with different ways to fool ourselves into thinking that the u/s appointment isn’t as far way as it seems. So, we’re saying things to each other like, “one more weekend and then the u/s” (and trying not to think about the fact that it is a looonng weekend due to it being Memorial Day here in the US on Monday). Or, “we just have to get through this work week and then we have the u/s.”

I am now on the third consecutive day without any type of spotting, knock on wood. I have to say that I kind of got used to the pink spotting and am very proud that I didn’t have to invoke VUPO each time I went to the bathroom and only had to do the VUPO chant every other time.

So far there hasn’t been too much weirdness with the suppositories or progesterone pills. I’m grateful that the suppositories are white, though, so that when there is discharge, I can barely see it on my p ant y li ner.

I did have one freakout the first day I started the antibiotics for my rash. I am usually averse to taking any kind of pills unless I absolutely have to and I found myself very resistant to taking this antibiotic when it came time. I felt like I was literally taking the pill of death for the little embryo that I hope is developing. Even after finding out that the antibiotic they put me on is a category B drug didn’t do much to ally my fears. (Cat. B means the drug is considered safe for the embryo/fetus since animal studies show no increased risk of birth defects—by the way, this is a great resource if you have questions about drug safety after a positive beta.) Finally, after some intense googling, I was able to convince myself that it wasn’t a pill of death although it could possibly be a pill of birth defects and the alternative is a certain infection. So, the warrior has gained the upper hand once again and I’ve been dutifully popping the pills.

My rash has definitely gotten less itchy but it is still a very ugly red. I now have two very large, red patches marking the top half of my butt. If I wasn’t infertile and human, you would probably find a picture of my rash covered butt in the primate in estrus entry in wikipedia. I really hope this rash clears up. I don’t think I can stand taking any more pills.

This IVF has a little bit of everything

I went to the clinic today so they can take a look at my rash since it got worse this weekend. I am switching to suppositories (endometrium) and pills (prometrium), both twice a day. The rash looked bad enough that I will also be taking antibiotics for the next week.

So, the good news is no more shots but now I get to experience the discharge that comes with the suppositories.

And I thought I wouldn’t have anything to blog about while I waited for my ultrasound (1 week + 1 sleep to go).